Don't Disappear From Me
Learning to stay in your body when someone you love can't stay in theirs
It’s fake. It’s polite. It’s weird. It’s uncomfortable. It’s numbness. It’s distance. It’s scattered thoughts. to no thoughts. It’s headaches. and head nodding. It’s smiling— And agreeing. It’s holding yourself back. It’s not breathing. It’s floating away. It’s smiling— And giggling.
It’s leaving my body. Feeling like I have nothing to say. Because— I’m gone. And what I want to say— I can’t. And because I can’t, I just… leave.
It’s not love. It’s not passion. It’s not strength. It’s not warmth. It’s not belly laughs, Or crying, Or deep breaths.
It’s not presence. It’s not grounded. It’s not radiant. It’s not connection. It’s not authentic.
It’s bullshit.
It’s knowing there’s something underneath all of it. And you can feel it— But you can’t seem to get yourself, or them, to grasp it. So you float away.
This is how I feel When you say, “I’m okay.” “I’m doing good.”
When your words say one thing but your tone says another. When your words say one thing— but my body feels something else
Buried under
And instead of staying grounded in my body, in my truth, and calling it out, or saying something, I get sucked into the air— right there with you.
And I have to find a way to deposit myself from the air back into my body— where I can be real again.
Because when things come from realness, they are boundless. They are free. They feel strong, stable, connective, alive.
They are yelling when you’re upset— not going quiet and saying everything is “fine.”
Don’t make me disappear. I want to be here. With you. Please.
And just because you disappear— doesn’t mean I have to. I can stay right here.
So now, I need to find a way to deposit myself from the me out there, to the me inside of here— regardless of the fear.
And just because you disappear from yourself doesn’t mean I want you to disappear from me.
Because I promise— I want to sit, right here, with you, next to me.
This poem is about dissociation. We all know that feeling of being disconnected from ourselves. This poem is about the pain of feeling someone else being disconnected from themselves, so much that you yourself begin to float away.
We all have moments of being numb and disconnected, only allowing ourselves to experience a small range of emotions. For some, it lasts a few hours, and for others, years. But the most beautiful thing in life is learning to dive into those difficult and uncomfortable feelings, because that’s what allows us to experience ourselves, and life, in full.
When we actually let in those scary thoughts and feelings, they can move through us and create depth. And with that depth, we begin to feel a full range of emotions and clarity within ourselves. Not only do we form a deeper connection with ourselves—but also with others. Because when we disconnect from pain, we disconnect from ourselves. And when we disconnect from ourselves, how can we ever truly connect with others? when only part of ourselves is left to connect?
I talk about the disconnection and pain of sitting across from someone who is disconnected from themselves. They tell you that “everything is okay,” when everything in their body says they’re not, because they’re avoiding what’s underneath.
You can feel the hollowness beneath their words. The pain may be too heavy for them, so you start to carry it. And the pain of watching someone abandon parts of themselves sometimes becomes too much, and you begin to float away, too.
I feel the flatness of their words even when they’re not flat. In fact, they’re often “positive,” “uplifting.” But they don’t invite you to poke into that hollowness. Instead, they guard it with their life, refusing to acknowledge anything wrong, because they aren’t acknowledging it within themselves.
You can feel the quiet, daily suffering of someone too afraid to dive into the depths of their own hurt. So they choose to live on the surface, day in and day out.
And it’s easy to get carried off into the wind with them. But it’s your job not to let yourself disappear from them, just as they’ve disappeared from themselves. It’s your job to sit there, solid, loving, searching for them even when they’ve forgotten how to search for themselves.
Continue Reading
Cutting to the Pain: Our Internal Tug-of-War
(The Wisdom of the Crazy Explained)
The Knight Standing Guard, between Our mind and Our Heart
How our inner protectors sever our connections, and what it takes to reclaim true empathy, first for ourselves, and in turn for others
The Mercy of the Mirror
When the mask finally serves the soul; A Purim Journey from Self-Abandonment to Sacred Reveal