Fuck The Shoes

There are moments in life where everything suddenly clicks. You look back at your story, at the choices you made, the beliefs you adopted, the masks you wore—and you see it all laid out like puzzle pieces you didn’t realize you were collecting. This poem was written during one of those moments.

It came after years of questioning who I was underneath the performance, the pain, the pills, and the pressure. It poured out of me when I finally started to understand how much of my identity had been shaped by forces outside of me—teachers, family, medication, beauty standards, and unspoken expectations. And how much of me had gotten lost along the way.

The “shoes” in this poem became a metaphor for all the things I was told I needed in order to be worthy: success, order, thinness, quietness, compliance. But I never wanted those shoes. I wanted the mud, the trees, the laughter, the chaos, the questions, the soul.

This piece is about growing up in a family where certain traits were praised while others were misunderstood. It’s about being the youngest sister, the loud one, the “too much” one. It’s about being diagnosed with ADHD and put on Vyvanse at 11 years old, and how that moment quietly rewrote my entire sense of self. It’s about the way we’re taught to abandon our essence in order to be loved—and the long road home to reclaim it.

If you’ve ever felt like the world wanted you to trade your magic for approval, or if you’ve ever struggled to recognize yourself after years of trying to “be better,” this is for you.

Below is the poem. It’s called Fuck the Shoes—and maybe, like me, you’ll recognize the shoes you’ve thrown out the window, too.

Came into this world at 7:22

Brown curls brown eyes

Would you guess?

That girls a jew

But with a dad caught up in his own stress

And mom just doing her best

That girl really wasn’t all that seen

And her brothers could be kinda mean

Oldest brother had two good shoes

And josh

Josh also likes shoes

.. and a little bit of booze

Well then theres me

The youngest of the three

I think i took the shoes

And threw them out the window

They just

They weren’t that important to me

Everyday was the boys adventure

And

I was on my own adventure

In the woods

Trying to find those shoes

Parents always found seth so damn capable

Feel like maybe its cause he had two shoes available

Thinking maybe those things actually meant something

Got me scared i’d really regret something….

But somehow i stuck to my beliefs

Even when shit was causing grief

Oppenness was a given

I always said that shit keeps relationships spinnin

Comedy is where i felt most me

Connecting to an audience

And making those serious topics funny

Talking about human behavior

And stuff that would normally feel of danger

We finally get to be ourselves

And judgement never seems to be felt

Why is it that we’re all so scared?

Of what other people are unaware?

Until we are all called out

And now no one seems to care?

That jimmy also pick his nose,

And doesn’t wash his hair

I guess what i’m trying to say is that we’re all just a bunch of disgusting weirdos

But for real though

What i’m trying to say is

Comedy embodies me

She encompases humility

And vulnerability

Impersonations were my specialty

Parents always watching snl on the TV

When people ask what do you wanna be when you grow?

My response was always

“That one girl, on that SNL show”

But the answer to that question was something i swear i’d never really know

At my best when i could self express

But fitting in just made me a mess

Always cracking jokes when i could

Not when i should

Always writing poems and creating art instead of reading books and making charts

Curiosity was immense

And feelings were always intense

The words I preached no one ever seemed to admire…

Too focused on what everyone else could aspire

Looking back now, how did I know??

20 years past and my beliefs still haven’t changed

There were years that i suffered,

there were years that i strayed

I swore i didn’t want them

But perspective they brang

School was a constant struggle

I could never pay attention

Mind always running and body is too

I turned to my classmates and find something more interesting to do

It was no surprise to me

When my teachers told my parents

This girl must have ADHD

Maybe the only cure was finding those shoes

Parents convinced that was the only thing that we could possibly do

For me the shoes were little orange and white cylinders

I swear people will take whatever the doctor administers

Vyvanse was the name

And that shit

That shit is no game

I was put on vyvanse when i was 11 years old

This stuff will make you feel brighter i was told

The definition of brighter wasn’t all that clear

Brighter as in smarter?

Is the first thing you hear

But what defines brightness for a girl

With a zest for life

And emotional kindness

Everything i wasn’t became everything i was

And everything i was became everything i wasn’t

Self reliance was now compliance

Compassion turned to composure

Intuition to intellect

Selflessness to selfishness

Peculiarity to conformity

Head bobbing fizzled to head nodding

And jokes faded to pencil strokes

Ds turned to As

But smiles turned to haze

My parents were finally proud

Teachers thought finally that dani girl

Isn’t so loud

Started running more and losing weight

No longer hearing my dad saying “maybe pass on that cake”

I always thought boys didn’t like me

Because i had extra chub

And a gap in my two front teeth

Dudes always confessing their crushes on other girls to me

Saying look at her

“She’s so pretty”

An explanation i did not need

I had two eyes and could clearly see

Always knew who it was gonna be

She’ll be skinny and tall and blonde and her name is probably Ashley

I knew looks were not everything

But as a younger sister

It made me feel like i had no shots with any mister

I feel like i was just one of the dudes

Thinking all id need to do is

Be a little more shy

And have a gap between my thigh

Looking back i came to see

It wasn’t all true

It just stemmed from my insecurities

And the only things that i knew

Over hearing my dad and brothers

Talking about which girls had the best looking mothers

Overhearing my brothers and their friends talking about where her ass starts and her breasts ends

After the Vyvanse i was completely transformed

A completely different girl was reborn

Double checking the prescription on the bottle

Was actually for me

Just hoping those doctors misdiagnosed dyslexia for adhd

Because the Dani I knew became the new

Dani

How come the only people that noticed

Were not members of my family?

That i thought were the closes

Yet the friends that i had grown

Were the only ones that seemed to have known

Dani was no longer there

She couldn’t even be there to really share

Started downing pills the spring of 8th grade

Just as the clouds were starting to fade

The milligrams went up and the lbs went down

Kinda like that smile

That one that turned to a frown

Sunny days used to be the best

Other kids finally had no more stress

But now me

I was just

A zombie….

Fuck The Shoes

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