I Fell Under This Spell

12 years in and 12 years out

12 years of fearlessness and 12 years of self doubt

I’ve lived half my life listening to outside voices over myself

Simply for being louder than the whispers telling me to get the hell out

I’ve lived half my life listening to outside voices over myself

Half my life I’ve lived

living for someone else

When they say youre wise beyond your years

There are a few things they dont hear

wisdom comes at a cost

Wisdom isnt free for anyone that wants

Sometimes I feel like living a double life makes you actually feel as if youve lived 2 lifetimes

….No one in their right mind can really truly recognize

How alone you feel when you’ve walked two paths at the same time

The paths may be parallel but they surely never aligned

an innocent face but a wise mind

a young spirit but an old soul

You’ve lived for 24 and you’ve experienced 24 more

Sometimes I try to tell myself it was for the better

Trying to make myself feel better

But the only thing that made me better

Was accepting that that feeling would never actually get better

Its not okay that I betrayed that sparkle

Its not okay that I caved

Its not okay that i couldnt be more brave

Its not okay that I didnt have more support

And its not okay that I ran in fear

Its not okay that I struggled to pull myself out of here

Just because its not okay doesnt mean there is anyone or anything to blame

Or that I should feel any sort of shame

If I knew what I knew now I wouldve never done the same

But that’s what perspective does

If I never walked two paths id be stuck wondering what the other one was

Reminiscing about betrayal will never get better

But sometimes its not feeling better that actually makes us feel better

Its accepting it wasn’t okay but you still got here no matter the weather

I was always looking ahead

In search for things outside of my head

I did everything so early

Like I was in a rush

What was my rush

Now im just standing here at the finish line

But im only half of me

And not the half that I actually wanted the finish line to see

That half is going to take far more time

So now Im just living my life on rewind

Walking back in time

To find that other half

So I can grab her hand

And we can both walk far surpassed

That line that appeared to be labeled finish

But there is no finish

Because finishing entails quitting

when there is never actually an end to this climb were living

When your future is far more bright

Than what only half of you could accomplish

When your better half was stuck in time wandering

That half may not be the best with direction

And have some trouble trying to pay attention

She never had a clear plan for herself

Or some version of success that was already laid out

Although it appeared that her future seemed unclear

And uncertainty did certainly bring fear

She always knew what she could be

What she did

nt realize

Was this huge discrepancy

Between what success was for her and what success was merely taught to be

Her definition of success was simply defined by her state of being

Not all the things that materials could bring

No wonder she could never actually be happy or proud

Until that other girl finally came around

And listened to those whispers

Maybe there is no plan to reach

Because her success has no confined boundaries

She looked at herself

And said

The spell has been released

She can finally fly free

she’s on her path

To all that she can be