Clear Means No Color

                                           But somehow I love the mess

                            Within myself

      Loved the mess

            And i wanted to see clear

                     I believed the mess

             Was such a mess

  that i didn't even stop to see

         and seeing clear

What I’m trying to say is that…

As someone with ADHD your brain can feel like a total mess, nothing is organized, you feel like your ability to execute tasks is impossible, you have no energy. You look around you and see everyone else being able to do things that feel literally impossible for you. As I sat on the couch looking at my apartment in a disaster and wondering how the hell I was going to clean it, watching the math problem on my boyfriend’s screen and asking myself how the hell people are capable of understanding something like that, I remembered that I have my own gifts. While I was certainly lacking in Clarity, colors started to flow from my mind and 5 minutes later I wrote this poem.

I think many people just so badly want to get rid of the entire mess and want their brains to just work like those around them. You want to just be able to easily clean your room, or focus on an assignment or solve a math problem. Everything seems so much easier to everyone else. You can start to truly believe that you are the problem, that you are stupid, that you are, well, a mess. And that makes you start to feel desperate, like you just want to feel smart, you just want your parents to be proud of you, you just want to show people that you are in fact capable, that you can in fact clean up your own mess. I started taking vyvanse when I was 12 years old and it certainly cleared the mess. My focus was so sharp, cleaning, learning, organizing, it never felt so easy. But then i soon realized all the amazing things that I did have that didnt really come so easy to others. I was funny, creative, extraverted, highly emotional, and intuitive. The mess got swept away along with all of these beautiful attributes. It made me realize that without the mess there was no real enjoyment of anything, and none of those things were worth having if I didn’t have the most precious things to me. So here I am, after taking vyvanse for 12 years and being off of it for 2, figuring out a way to live my life in the colorful mess :)

Here is a video of me attempting to share my story….