Schmatza Girl

There once was a little girl

She craved ONE thing from this lonely world–

To feel accepted by those that surround her

And connected to everyone she encountered

Her spirit, goofy and free

Her heart, whole and unrestricted

But acceptance came at a price

And love came with conditions

She paid in starvation and good grades

Now she’s skinny and has all A’s

And in those conditions…she signed her spirit away

But love and connection more than anything she desired

It was a no brainer if that’s what was required

A “valuable” lesson she did learn: Love is something you need to earn

But HER love was unreserved

Given to both those who did and did not deserve

She thought she was doing herself a service

By being everyone else’s’ servant

Creating love…just to serve it

Never even thought to conserve it…

Or that SHE deserved it….

When people did not accept

It was her own self that she kept

Locked down and chained up

Kicked down and beat up

When her dad wasn’t proud

Because she was hanging with the “wrong” crowd

When her teachers made her feel dumb

Because she refused sit still and feel numb

When she was made to feel like she wouldn’t amount to anything

Because she was too busy connecting with friends and impersonating

Maybe the crowd was wrong for him but right for her

Maybe the teachers were unaware of the emotions that were deep inside of her

Maybe she was displaying other talents

That she was told weren’t “all that valid”…

When things felt lacking she looked within

She thought herself less able

The only thing she lacked were all those wonderful things she swept under the table

It wasnt her that was lacking afterall

It was what the rest of the world failed to see–

All the greatness this little girl was and will be

All these moments created a lonely world

Where the only solution was to become everyone’s schmatza girl

She could finally find connection in this world

And not feel like such a incompetent and very lonely girl

No matter how big the request

“I’ll be your Schmatza girl” always came next

Now people would finally accept

Ignorant to the fact that it was only herself that she would disrespect

It started small… with simple asks

and like a wildfire it naturally progressed

Wreaking havoc on her entire life

Eventually leaving her hopeless and severely depressed

“Stop asking so many questions and just do what I say”

I dont see a point, but I guess adults are supposed to know the way…

“Quit goofing around and act like a lady”

I thought girls could be funny too, but I want boys to like me

“Stop moving around and fidgeting in class”

I feel like a volcano about to erupt, but i’ll do my best

“Writing is useless, spend your time on things that will actually make money”

Writing makes me happy, but I guess I can’t make cash off of being just funny

“Stop talking so much to your classmates and pay attention”

none of this shit really matters to me, but I don’t want detention

“You’re looking chubby, Quit snacking and go for a run”

I already do 3 sports, but I do want to look good in the sun

And then

she was put on medicine

and schmatza girl went from a zero… to a ten

When her black boyfriend was not met with open arms

And Schmatza girl excused her father, “I know he doesnt actually mean any harm”

When her dreams of pursuing psychology and writing were laughed at

And Schmatza girl responded “on second thought, I dont really need that”

When guys were talking to their exes

And Schmatza girl just happily accepted

When she was slapped across the face

And Schmatza girl told herself “just give him grace”

When she was emotionally, verbally, and sexually harassed

And Schmatza girl told no one just to defend his ass

When he told her she was absolutely worthless

That her family hated her and that she deserved this

Leaving her alone and discarded,

confused how this even started

incapable of feeling any of his OWN shame

But its okay cause he knew Schmatza girl was there

ready to take ALL of the blame

The price she paid left her bankrupt

in debt

Who was even left

to love or connect?

Who was even being accepted?

It wasn’t herself – that girl, was abandoned

For all these things shmazta girl was actually grateful

For all of those things that came off as hateful

She had to leave herself in order for her to see

That Schmatza girl was never what she really need

There was a lot going through her head

But this time she said

Schmatza girl no longer

I’ve finally become someone stronger

She told him to leave her alone

she has far far outgrown

These immature habits and schmatza girl tactics

This immaturity and disrespect

This lack of ability to really… connect

Schmatza girl was no where in sight

She wasnt there to put up that fight

That she always would have a not so distant time ago

But she no longer excuses other peoples lows

Schmatza girl knew her time was up–

She no longer wanted a say

It was time for Dani to take over

And show her a new way

“Acceptance can be free

And love unconditional”

A previous lesson finally overturned:

Love is NOT in fact something that needs to be earned

“Yes you can empathize”

“And yes you can understand”

But in the end its yourself that you need to defend

“I’ll be your Shmatza girl” was never.uttered.again….

She said

Goodbye Schmatza girl

Farewell to you

There’s a new girl in town and I promise this time—

I’ll take care of YOU